Crap

First of all.. i don’t know what this about. I am at the Hospital right now. My lil bro is admitted to the kids ward because of his athma. Luckily there is wireless connection in the hospital.

Anyhow.. I am feeling a bit dull tonight.. I don’t know why. I spen most of my time today thinking whether or not i should go for the trip to KL. I felt reluctant to leave Brunei. But part of me want to leave Brunei and stay in KL for as long as i want. Wow.. that was crap.

Anyway, what i really wanted to say is.. the last day of the school holiday was fun. Thanks to Hanafi, this time i actually have the courage to go swimming with my friends. I feel safe when i am around him. But, why?

I know the last day of school was the saddest day for my other bestfriend. I wonder why. its bad enough that i didn’t have the courage to ask him. Its just that i know i will end up hurting himeven more.

sigh.

anyway.. I’m going to KL soon. I just wish i could stay there even longer.

Letting out the truth

It feels great to finally let out all the things that i have been keeping inside me for a long time.

I hope this is the end of all my sufferings and let go of it and face the world.

I will try to begin a new chapter and move on. For real.. Thank you so much my bestfriends.

California (i wish)

I remembered the song California from The OC. Come to think of it, i wish i’m in California right now. Living a wealthy life and live in a huge mansion and don’t care about the outside world. Now i am being selfish and i know that. But, i want to live my life to its fullest rather than being played into some painful game of life.

Think of it. I could surf the beautiful wave and relax on the sandy beach of California and just be plain rich.

Eventhough its not gonna solve anything. But, it’ll do!

Through Fire and Flames (My life)

It took me quite a while, thinking about the things that i have done in this past 1++ years. Its just hard to get over all the things in life that had happened to me. I know i’m not just talking about myself. But, i am also talking about others that had been or currently in my situation.

I now know about myself. I refuse to accept the things that have been given to me. Instead of thinking that it was a gift, i always thought about it as a curse or something bad.

I can’t continue this post. I can’t think straight right now. I hope this rain will accompany my lonely night.

I miss my bestfriends so much right now..

Counting Crows

I have been asking myself. Is my friendship with both my bestfriends one-sided or is it just me not trusting them. I don’t know. I asked one of my bestfriends and i guess he can’t answer it either.

 I don’t know why but somehow this questio just came to me and like a bullet.

I just can’t understand how my mind works therefore i don’t even understand who and what i am right now.

But.. come to think of it.. we do have great moments together. I should have leave out the dark side of my memories with them.

Today, one of bestfriend.. maybe i let him down but. i gess he is happy today. I let him be with his other friend eventhough it hurt me a lil bit. But, i don’t mind. I just want him to have fun today.

I guess this is it. I have to do my extra ordinary hw.

I’m Hurting Myself.. But why??

Sigh.. there feeling of not wanting to go to school was the ultimate. I tried to convince myself that my bestfriends are going to be there. But the thought of them never really there for me just add to another reason why i don;t want to go to school.

The thing is.. i can’t find anyone to really talk to…. i just couldn’t. Both my bestfriends keep hurting me and and they didn’t realise that. The pain and the pressure that they gave me was unexplainable. I want to talk to one of my bestfriend but all i will end up with him is an arguement between both of us. My other bestfriend, i could not talk to him… because.. i love my bestfriend soo much that….. i can’t explain it. I just couldn’t. I don’t know what to do.. What can i do?

Should i talk to my teacher about this? But will it do any good? The pain is too much and i can’t stand it anymore. I don’t want to talk about it with my parents, it will just makes things even more worst.

Is this about friendship? Is this about love? i don’t know what this is anymore.

Endless tears..

Tonight…..i want to end it all.. but i just don’t have the courage to do so..

I really need one of my bestfriends tonight… but thats not gonna happen.. who am i to them.. I’m just another broken pieces of burden in their lives..

Betrayed

The sense of betrayal is killing me. I don’t know why i this evil sense keep haunting me. It is so hurtful to know that i always have been betrayed by someone dear to me.

Tell me.. how to overcome such painful feelings? I can’t just let go of it.. No one ever does.. Because humans are weak to make even the slightest attempt of getting over something painful.

If that’s the case then… from now on, I can never ever trust anyone ever again.. except my two bestfriends whom i cared most.

That’s it i’m through with BACKSTABBERS! LIARS! FREAKS! AND ABOVE ALL LAWRENCE!! I just can’t trust him no more!!

Friendship – Bestfriends or just Friends?

Today we had the annual cross-country for our school. It was one hell of a day. I had a lot of fun. But, things are beginning to fall apart. I began to question my friendship with both H. I don’t know why. Eventhough both of them have the exact opposite personality but they somehow keep on hurting me. I just don’t get it.

H1. Today i told him that he could wear shorts because there are some people that wore shorts for the run. Then he got called by one of the teachers that no one shoud wear shorts. Sorry~! Anyway, i don’t blame him that he left me during the event. I know he will be somewhere ahead of me. But the thing is, when the event was over, i can”t find him anywhere. He didn’t even bother to find me. Or…. I know that….. i am boring and all. But as a bestfriend…. Am i his bestfriend?  Is it just his words? Am i truly his bestfriend? I know i am boring and maybe i don’t deserve to be his bestfriend since he prefer to be with someone fun. He often left me. He often listens to other people when i talk to him. I guess he never take me seriously.. Or maybe….. i take him almost in everything too serious. If thats the case…. i will walk away from his life… Its because…………… i know i was never a good bestfriend to him..

H2. He barely speaks to me.. almost everyday.. Maybe he kept reminding himself that bad things that i accidentally did to him. Am i just someone not important to him? Maybe i always hurt him subconciously…… I’m pathetic… I’m sorry….

 I know non of my bestfriends read this blog…… after all… who am i to them in their life… I am just someone…… i have never been so special to anyone.. and i always try to make my bestfriends the most special people on earth.. i just wish they realised that…..

I just hope… that someday.. both of them visits this blog…..

Crazey – Part 1

Heyy.. Since this is part one of this Crazey Category… So.. I am here to tell you guys what this category is all about. There are 10 reasons why this is called the CRAZEY.

1. Because it is about something crazey.

2.Because it is crazey.

3.Because i am bored and i got nothing else to do.

4.Because it involves the mamalian species. (They are the craziest creatures of all especially blondes)

5.Because it is fun to talk crazey.

6.Because life is full with craziness.

7.Because it is fun to act crazey.

8.Because i want to.

9.Because this is the second last reason to make this category.

10.Because if u take more than 5 seconds to read this (part 1), ur crazey! Haha

So readers beware! Being crazey is all about being open-minded and happy. If there is any explicit contents, please remain rational and enjoy yourself!! Its about crazey stuff, not adult stuff~

Being truthful or being selfish?

I know i did something stupid today.. I was being sooo selfish to my bestfriend, letting him know how i felt. But, thats not entirely true because i may have felt it that way but somehow it is a good feeling coming from my bestfriend.

Why did i said that he is cruel to me in the first place? I don’t know, maybe the feeling of being left out? No.. I don’t know. Maybe i cared so much about him.. Maybe too much.

Anywho.. I am not quite sure what to do right now. I can’t think of anything. Maybe I better stop this post right now before i start talking about something stupid.